Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
