Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
