OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
We are two peas in an std pod
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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