If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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