I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
