I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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