When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
We had to coat check the pizza.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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