Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
