you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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