dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
