dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
