The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
