My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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