Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
How does one acquire holy water?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
