Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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