You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
