i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
