Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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