my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
