i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
