Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize