I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
