I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
