it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
