He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize