Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
