the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
