My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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