he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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