Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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