No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
