He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
