Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
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