After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
