You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
