she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Randomize
