a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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