when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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