If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize