So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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