ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
