im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
