he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
