were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
