Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
