I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
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