At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
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