Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Randomize
