I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
