You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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