So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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