just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
