why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
