I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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