I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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