He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
