The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
