life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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