im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize