now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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