She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
my being single is dangerous.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
